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Danny Alexander ‘Made Of Plasticine’

The Chief Secretary to the Treasury is made of Plasticine, according to a leaked Lib Dem document.

Danny Alexander, who lives in a small box on George Osborne’s desk, is apparently able to morph into different shapes depending on whom he is being moulded by at any given time.

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“Destroy Things And Pay Less Tax,” Pledges Osborne

George Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people’s lives a misery in his 2014 budget speech.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was “absolutely vital” that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their grubby hands on.

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Capitalism, communism, or nothing

Capitalism isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the tired old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband?

Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously.

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Nothing that is fun can ever possibly be bad for you

Well, that’s that then. We’ve finally won the argument. The proof for man-made climate change is conclusive. Conclusively wrong.

Thank you, IPCC. You’ve shown, once and for all, that global warming is a big pile of old rubbish, burning in a completely harmless incinerator.

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Extreme ways are back again

Extremism has shaken Britain to its core.

Two men have done their best to destroy the very fabric of our society. Their callous, extreme acts, have been witnessed by many and been condemned across the land.

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Benefits To Be Replaced By Handicaps

Benefits will be entirely replaced by a new handicap system based on how poor you are.

The welfare state is an old-fashioned, cumbersome institution that needs to be rebuilt from scratch as something completely different, the government reckons.

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