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Sepp Blatter Wins Fifth Consecutive World Cup of Corruption

The much-coveted FIFA World Cup of Corruption has been won for a fifth consecutive time by Sepp Blatter, a Swiss pensioner renowned for his deadly backhanders.

In a tense grand final in Zurich, the centre of global corruption, Blatter successfully retained his title with a dominant display of free-flowing, attacking bribes.

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Ebola Corporation Sues Government

The multinational firm distributing Ebola across Europe is set to sue the British government after ‘harsh’ measures against the virus were imposed at UK airports.

Ebola Corporation claims screening passengers arriving from west Africa will slow growth of the deadly virus in Britain and prevent thousands of new jobs from being created.

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Impossible To Eat And Sleep Football, Experiment Shows

A social experiment in Brazil shows that it is, in fact, not possible to eat and sleep football.

The Brazilian government spent £7billion on the sport in the hope that it could adequately feed, clothe and provide shelter for all the country’s 200 million inhabitants.

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David Moyes Hired By Royal Bank of Scotland

Manchester United reject David Moyes has been snapped up by loss-making moneylender Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS).

The taxpayer-owned bank is hungry for failure and has not wasted time in hiring man-of-the-moment Moyes, sacked by Man Utd this week after turning Premier League champions into Premier League paupers in under a year.

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Who Will Survive The Big Race?

The favourite to win tomorrow’s Grand Casualty is not taking anything for granted.

Rifle At The Ready is a 6/1 shot to survive the race but knows she’ll need to avoid the Pit of Death at jump six if she’s to stand a chance.

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Olympic Stadium Rejects ‘Useless’ West Ham

The Olympic Stadium has rejected West Ham United over fears the club would ruin its reputation for sporting success.

In the latest twist to the long-running saga over the London 2012 venue’s legacy, the arena said it was now in talks with Leyton Orient.

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