London To Be Replaced With 75,000-Storey Tower
Developer Wimpey Berk Lend announced its plans to reconstruct the homes of eight million people following a deal with 32 London borough councils that includes a pledge to build an “exciting” new community centre in Gillingham.
The scheme is being marketed exclusively to investors on the edge of the Solar System, with exclusive penthouse studios expected to start from £100,000tn.
Residents forced to leave during the 2,500-year construction period have been promised a brand new bed in the tower’s basement hostel if they can successfully defeat all the other displaced residents in a fight to the death.
A Wimpey Berk Lend spokesperson said: “We are extremely excited to launch our latest and last redevelopment scheme, The Shit, which will rise out of the rubble of where London once tried to exist.
“We will replace five million sub-standard homes with fifty million penthouses, plus an affordable home. There will also be a gym, a virtual park, a bike rack, and a Costa Coffee vending machine.
“The Shit will be conveniently located in Zones 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6, on top of the Thames and adjacent to the counties of Essex, Kent, Surrey, Berkshire, Buckinghamshire and Hertfordshire.”
Approximately 100 percent of London residents backed The Shit in a public consultation Wimpey Berk Lend conducted in an Emirates Airline cable car pod.
However, some of the people who weren’t inside the cable car pod at the time of the survey have questioned why only one affordable home has been included in the scheme.
The spokesperson explained: “We had to ensure that this 75,000-storey high-spec residential quarter was financially viable for our shareholders.
“If we had included more than one affordable home in this scheme, there was a big risk that we wouldn’t have had enough money left to sufficiently bribe Boris Johnson.”
In the time it has taken to write this report, planning permission has been granted and several thousand batches of compulsory purchase orders have been dropped in crates from cargo planes flying overhead.
Wimpey Berk Lend also confirmed that The Shit would generate 650,000 permanent jobs in the PR industry.