New Evidence Shows Ed Miliband Still Labour Party Leader
The astonishing discovery, if true, will be a huge boost to Labour’s election rivals.
Labour MPs are already trying to discredit the scientific paper, claiming that Miliband choked to death on a bacon sandwich many months ago and anyone who suggests otherwise is a bigot.
“The Labour Party doesn’t have a leader, I’m deeply offended that these so-called ‘scientists’ could suggest otherwise,” said Andy Burnham, who still claims to be shadow health secretary.
“It’s surely obvious to any idiot that Ed Miliband is dead and the Labour Party is being run by a cabal of oil-rich hamsters who can’t see past the next carrot-flavoured chew toy.
“I’d like to challenge these boffins to prove beyond a shadow minister of a doubt that Miliband – God rest his useless soul – is dead and decomposing faster than our poll ratings.”
The Cambridge University scientists, a group of cosmologists who specialise in searching for new objects in deep space, said that an analysis of Labour’s vacuous leadership led them at first to believe they were witnessing a giant black hole tear apart the remnants of the party’s moral code.
“Normally we spend our nights examining the constellation Virgo for radiation that might indicate a new object such as a supernova or black hole billions of light years away.
“But one night we decided to have a laugh and train our telescopes on Westminster.
“There appeared to be some kind of enormous black hole there, sucking in and destroying whatever was left of Labour’s far-distant principles.
“It was only when we began observing this object using the Atacama Large Millimeter Array (ALMA) telescope in Chile that we realised it wasn’t a black hole at all.
“It was Ed Miliband.”