Corbyn pledges to accept one million refugees in his beard
The newly-elected Labour Party leader said there was “plenty of room” in and around the hair follicles of his silver facial fuzz for the refugees to “start a new life” free from violence and fear.
Corbyn’s impressive chin forest – the Parliamentary Beard of the Year five times in a row – is said to be able to accommodate up to 1,300,000 people.
“Come to thy beard, for it is warm and thick,” Corbyn proclaimed at a rally in Dover this afternoon.
“My award-winning facial hair is supported by greyroots activists who have been inspired to join the Labour Party and make the dream of beard-based asylum a reality.
“This is the beginning of a new chapter in the history of democratic hair growth.”
Although well received by Corbyn’s youthful supporters and by human rights groups, the refugee beard policy has attracted widespread criticism and ridicule, including from within the Labour Party itself.
“This is another one of Jeremy’s fanciful ideas that makes no attempt to operate within the boundaries of real-world geopolitics and economic validity,” said a clean-shaven Chuka Umunna.
“In an ideal world, of course, I’d love for refugees to be able to nestle snuggly within each and every beard of the United Kingdom.
“But the reality, I’m afraid, is that there won’t be any refugees living in anyone’s beards without the Labour Party winning the next election.
“And Labour won’t win the next election unless Jeremy Corbyn pledges right now to shave off his fucking beard, wax his scrotum, and bathe in the blood of a million drowned migrants.”