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Ebola Corporation Sues Government

The multinational firm distributing Ebola across Europe is set to sue the British government after ‘harsh’ measures against the virus were imposed at UK airports.

Ebola Corporation claims screening passengers arriving from west Africa will slow growth of the deadly virus in Britain and prevent thousands of new jobs from being created.

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Impossible To Eat And Sleep Football, Experiment Shows

A social experiment in Brazil shows that it is, in fact, not possible to eat and sleep football.

The Brazilian government spent £7billion on the sport in the hope that it could adequately feed, clothe and provide shelter for all the country’s 200 million inhabitants.

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William Hague ‘Madly In Love With John Kerry’

Foreign Secretary William Hague has denied claims he is deeply in love with US Secretary of State John Kerry.

The Tory cabinet minister allegedly thinks Kerry is a beautiful man, both inside and out.

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Tony Blair Is An American Spy

Tony Blair is an American spy who has been working undercover as a politician since the 1970s in order to become prime minister and destroy Britain’s civil rights.

National Security Agency (NSA) documents leaked by whistleblower Edward Snowden have finally exposed the true identity of the man who most people assumed had lied about Iraq, but probably not much else.

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Typhoon Haiyan Victims Thank Politicians For Agreeing To Agree Next Year To Cut Carbon In Seven Years’ Time

Millions of homeless and starving Filipinos whose homes and livelihoods were wiped out by a Category 5, 235mph super-typhoon have thanked world governments and their negotiating teams for finally agreeing to make an agreement next year to start solving man-made climate change in 2020.

The manifestly grateful victims of Typhoon Haiyan – the strongest recorded storm to make landfall – said their endless search for food, water and shelter would “soon be over” because the 19th-annual United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) in Warsaw had made a partial deal to possibly do something to save the world at a distant future date.

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Capitalism, communism, or nothing

Capitalism isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the tired old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband?

Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously.

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Give war a chance

Everybody’s talking about diplomacy, amnesty, treaty, democracy, unity, harmony, tea, coffee and the plight of the honeybee.

All I’m saying is give war a chance.

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