China is entirely to blame for concentrations of greenhouse gases in the Earth’s atmosphere reaching 400 parts per million (ppm), The Taxman can reveal.

Every last one of the 569 billion tonnes of carbon emitted since industrialisation began can be traced back to the world’s most populous nation.

The Germans. Don’t you just hate them? They talk funny, they’re well organised, and then there was that Holocaust thing to boot.

No wonder everyone in Britain loathes them. Whether it’s gassing Jews, building great cars or bailing out Greece, there’s no shortage of reasons to hate the Krauts.

This is an urgent weather warning. Polar bears have migrated south to the Isle of Arran in Scotland and, as I write, they are eating the residents of Brodick.

No other media outlets know about this catastrophe yet because there has been an island-wide power cut. But I promise you, it’s happening, and the bears are hungry.

I love it when a band is unambiguous. There’s certainly no doubt where One Direction are headed.