Education Secretary Michael Gove says his new GOVECSE is going to whip your children into shape, and if you don’t like it you can stay behind and meet Mr Cane.

The GOVECSE will test school pupils everyday at 9am, 12noon and 3pm on how much they know about the life and times of Michael Gove, the Secretary of State for Education and All Conquering God of Your Every Waking Fucking Hour.

Extremism has shaken Britain to its core.

Two men have done their best to destroy the very fabric of our society. Their callous, extreme acts, have been witnessed by many and been condemned across the land.

Few, those floods in central Europe were something, weren’t they? Christ. I felt sorry for the poor Czechs, but let’s be honest, the Germans deserved it, didn’t they?

It’s been quite fun to put my feet up this past week and enjoy a little sun here in Kensington, at the same time the krauts have been running around desperately trying to shore up their doorways with sandbags, only for the floods to come gushing in and drown them all like rats.

I love it when a band is unambiguous. There’s certainly no doubt where One Direction are headed.