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Options For Climate Catastrophe Narrowed Down To Three

A commission set up by government has narrowed down to three the options for exceeding dangerous limits of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere.

The Airports Commission led by Sir Howard Davies has said we can either burn several million more tonnes of carbon by building a third runway at Heathrow, by lengthening one of its existing two runways, or by building a second runway at Gatwick.

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“Destroy Things And Pay Less Tax,” Pledges Osborne

George Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people’s lives a misery in his 2014 budget speech.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was “absolutely vital” that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their grubby hands on.

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Nothing that is fun can ever possibly be bad for you

Well, that’s that then. We’ve finally won the argument. The proof for man-made climate change is conclusive. Conclusively wrong.

Thank you, IPCC. You’ve shown, once and for all, that global warming is a big pile of old rubbish, burning in a completely harmless incinerator.

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Extreme ways are back again

Extremism has shaken Britain to its core.

Two men have done their best to destroy the very fabric of our society. Their callous, extreme acts, have been witnessed by many and been condemned across the land.

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China To Blame

China is entirely to blame for concentrations of greenhouse gases in the Earth’s atmosphere reaching 400 parts per million (ppm), The Taxman can reveal.

Every last one of the 569 billion tonnes of carbon emitted since industrialisation began can be traced back to the world’s most populous nation.

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A drunk Scot is no match for the brute force of a polar bear

This is an urgent weather warning. Polar bears have migrated south to the Isle of Arran in Scotland and, as I write, they are eating the residents of Brodick.

No other media outlets know about this catastrophe yet because there has been an island-wide power cut. But I promise you, it’s happening, and the bears are hungry.

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Killing Your Gran Now Cheaper Than Ever

Letting your grandparents freeze to death is now cheaper than ever, according to the ‘big six’ energy companies.

The frustrated offspring of old fogies across Britain are celebrating the huge savings to be made from finally dispatching the elderly members of their family in 2013, after the latest series of price hikes came into force.

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