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Islamic State Video Shows Hostage Being Held Without Charge For 13 Years

A chilling new Islamic State video starring homegrown terrorist Jihadi John shows a Western hostage being gruesomely detained without charge.

The terrifying tape shows in graphic detail how the hostage’s mind gradually turns to mush after spending just one hour outside his cell each day for over a decade.


Discrimination ‘Hard Work’

Discriminating against people based on their race, gender, sexuality, class or other predetermined characteristic is a lot more difficult than it used to be, a survey of elderly rural folk has found.

Being prejudiced and getting away with it now requires planning, strategy, guile and a work ethic that is beyond the capability of most stupid, narrow-minded people.


Gay Marriages ‘Can Take Place In Archbishop’s Closet’

The Archbishop of Canterbury has said he would be happy to conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies in his bedroom closet.

The newly-enthroned head of the Church of England, The Most Reverend Justin Welby, said that God always intended marriage to be a lifelong union of one man and one woman, unless no-one knows about it.


Tits Plot Revenge Against The Sun

Rupert Murdoch’s News International has become embroiled in yet another scandal after it emerged that The Sun‘s Page 3 girls have fake thoughts.

Ignorant, reactionary and closed-minded remarks inserted within round speech bubbles above the tanned, topless bodies of sexually virile young women featured each day on the first inside facing page of Murdoch’s flagship British publication are in fact manufactured by the paper’s editorial management under the direction of Murdoch himself, the models allege.


iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.


Fake Story Was Written By Illegal Immigrant, Claims Paul Dacre

A fake story with fake quotes reporting the opposite of what actually happened was written by an illegal immigrant whom the Daily Mail was forced to employ because he owned a cat, the newspaper’s sadistic editor has explained.

Paul Dacre, a Grade A moron with a tiny penis, said the story which reported on Amanda Knox’s failed appeal immediately after the appeal succeeded was exactly the kind of mistake he would expect a coloured person from the jungle to make.

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