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Bastard Bankers Beaten By British Backslap

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Bankers will keep their bonuses this year if they are each able to find an individual of working age who doesn’t know how to use a calculator, British taxpayers have announced.

Their bonuses will be doubled if they can find a school pupil who doesn’t know the difference between an upward curve and a downward curve.

And in a wider challenge to the executives of utility firms ranked on the FTSE100 index, Premier League footballers will be invited to take PowerPoint presentations while the bosses who inherited Britain’s privatised infrastructure take penalties.

The winners will become exempt from our new 99p top tax rate for those who earn more money in a week than a Tesco shelf stacker would earn in 24 years (unless they were given a calculator and a job at Barclays).

A spokesman for the British tax-paying public told The Taxman: “Erm, yeah, so we’re in charge now.

“We own most of the banks, we’ve always owned the gas pipes and the water pipes and the railways because Thatcher never actually asked us if she could take them away.

“And, oh, that’s right, I do believe that’s our pension money you’re investing in those companies with. So excuse us if we tell the government and their supposed ‘regulators’ to fuck off, since they’ve proven once again to be about as useful as a sandbag in Queensland.

“What’s happened is that we’ve decided to take over. We’ve had enough and we’ve put ourselves in charge, okay? And, yes, you do owe us money. Shit loads, in fact.”

City fat cats who claim rights to their bonuses because of supposed ‘talent’ will be tasked to find an unemployed graduate who isn’t capable of leading an organisation with an established brand, market share and trained workforce of thousands into a healthy profit during a boom year.

They will then be shown YouTube clips of Lionel Messi’s four goals for Barcelona against Arsenal in last year’s Champions League quarter-final second leg, interspersed with CCTV footage from their last board meeting.

Any big wigs that continue to deny their inferiority on grounds of ‘risk burden’, ‘pressure to succeed’, ‘long hours in the office’ and/or ‘revenue generation’ will be introduced to Richard Branson, a businessman who built up a multi-billion-pound empire after remortgaging the family home and who has at least earned the right to be an utter twat.

Sir Roger Carr, or Roger Carr as he will now be known, the boss of Centrica who in the 12 months before his ‘New Year Honour’ a fortnight ago resided over a seven percent increase in British Gas prices and the sale of Cadbury to the US, will be tied to one of Branson’s rockets and fired into the Sun.

Because working your way to the top by kissing the asses of those above and shitting on those below, taking control, bending the rules, stacking the odds in your favour and justifying your rewards on the pretense of fair and open market competition is, under our new system, not in fact the kind of behaviour that deserves a knighthood.

“Next time you bankrupt the country you won’t be getting bonuses, you’ll be getting banged up,” our spokesman continued to warn Britain’s bankers.

“Anything is possible under our rules. Perhaps even justice.”

It’s time to take the power back.




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