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Benefits To Be Replaced By Handicaps

golf ballBenefits will be entirely replaced by a new handicap system based on how poor you are.

The welfare state is an old-fashioned, cumbersome institution that needs to be rebuilt from scratch as something completely different, the government reckons.

In the upcoming budget announcement by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne, benefits to people who are unemployed, disabled, ill, parents, have a spare bedroom, utility room, closet or who smell a bit whiffy will be cut.

Instead, Osborne will set these people a series of challenges to overcome, which they must pass in order to win food.

Among the new handicaps set by the government will be the ‘sofa challenge’ whereby families will all have to sleep on the same sofa together for six months, without complaining.

Families who still can’t earn enough to get on the property ladder will be forced to move house every time they return from a holiday or weekend break.

In a memo leaked to our plumber, who from April 1 will be living in a sink, Osborne said: “People who are poor at golf are given a handicap so that they can compete fairly with other, better players.

“The poorer the player, the greater the handicap. It is this principle which we wish to introduce across Britain.

“I also like golf because to join a club, you have to have shed loads of cash and not be a woman.”

Another handicap to be proposed in the 2013 budget will see unemployed cohabiting couples tasked with finding somewhere to live that is smaller than Iain Duncan Smith’s garage and isn’t within one mile of a Waitrose supermarket.

Conservative backbenchers have welcomed the handicapping scheme as a welcome way of increasing suicide rates among Britain’s poor, thus reducing their burden on the NHS.

However, Liberal Democrats in the coalition government have said they will only back the welfare reforms if they can also introduce a ‘university challenge’ whereby students who don’t have rich parents will have to eat nothing but the vermin they find in their halls of residence, while staying alive long enough to write a dissertation on why the young, the vulnerable and the poor should be made to pay for a financial problem created by market failure.

Labour MPs said they didn’t like the handicaps idea but might go along with it depending on what sort of reaction it gets.

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