Coalition Government Just A Dream
These are the shocking realisations millions of Britons are now making as they finally wake up to the reality of the rather less ridiculous acid-chimp scenario.
An oneirologist explained this morning how so many of us could have been so foolish.
“When you’re in a dream, what’s going on is often completely bonkers, but it feels so real. You have these real emotions about something that your unconscious mind has just invented while you’re asleep.
“Then you wake up, and it hits you, that what you’d just spent the last hour feeling upset or angry about never actually happened, and how could it happen anyway because it was all a load of implausible, impossible, imbecilic nonsense?
“Well, that’s exactly what the Tory/Lib Dem coalition government has been all about. Now the election’s come round again, we’re all waking up.
“It never happened. How could it happen? It was a dream, it seems so obvious now.”
What actually happened, it’s now emerged, is that after five days of failed negotiations back in May 2010 Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was forced to put the chimps in charge.
A scenario in which David Cameron’s Conservative Party formed a coalition with Nick Clegg’s Liberal Democrats was concocted by Prince Harry to distract everyone from the mayhem the chimps were causing. The cover story was relayed to everyone at night time via hidden speakers planted beside their beds.
Now it all makes so much sense.
“The Lib Dems gleefully raising tuition fees after all those pledges they signed? Privatising the NHS? Fiddling the unemployment figures?
“Universal credit? The bedroom tax? Zero hours contracts? Food banks? Fracking? Killing badgers? Cutting legal aid? Scrapping the 50p tax rate? Raising VAT? The data retention law? Free schools that don’t have to employ qualified teachers?
“Hiring someone implicated in a massive hacking scandal as the government’s head of communications?
“Hiring a French IT firm to decide whether or not someone is disabled enough to claim benefits?
“Hiring someone to chair an inquiry into child abuse who is mates with one of the people accused of covering up child abuse?
“Selling off Royal Mail for the price of a second class stamp?
“Selling off a profitable railway to a company that runs an unprofitable railway?
“Punishing doctors, nurses, teachers, social care workers, firefighters and librarians for problems caused by the banking industry?
“Yes, of course chimps on acid have been running the government. I can’t believe I ever thought this madness could have been the fault of sober homo sapiens.”