This takes the bacon.

Dear landlord,

I’ve been living in your cramped little four-bed semi for several years now. Don’t get me wrong, me and my three housemates have had some great times living together, what with all the wild parties, barbecues and orgies you’ve allowed us to throw. It’s been a blast and I’m extremely grateful.

Are you wealthy? Famous? Considering tax avoidance? Not sure what you’re going to say if you get caught and everyone demands you forfeit your OBE?

Immigration is the reason why your life is shit, and if we don’t do something to curb it soon the very fabric of our beloved British society will collapse in on itself, creating a void into which all of us will be sucked and crushed to death.

In this column I want to set out the three reasons why I know this to be the case. Amid all the clamour and jostling among politicians to be seen to be getting a grip on immigration – which even they must now recognise is Britain’s biggest problem (yes, even bigger than paedophilia) – there are still billions of immigrants sneaking into this country every year.

Hello, my name is Nick Clegg. This is a newspaper column that I have been allowed to write, and, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to use it to grovel.

Now, as you may know, I’m the Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I was hired to do this job after my party finished third in a general election four years ago.

Capitalism isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the tired old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband?

Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously.

Everybody’s talking about diplomacy, amnesty, treaty, democracy, unity, harmony, tea, coffee and the plight of the honeybee.

All I’m saying is give war a chance.