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Greece Melted Down

Greece has been melted down and recycled.

The country was collected this morning by Troika Waste Authority Team (TWAT) and taken to a mechanical and biological waste treatment plant in Brussels.

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Ebola Corporation Sues Government

The multinational firm distributing Ebola across Europe is set to sue the British government after ‘harsh’ measures against the virus were imposed at UK airports.

Ebola Corporation claims screening passengers arriving from west Africa will slow growth of the deadly virus in Britain and prevent thousands of new jobs from being created.

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Theresa May Ordered To Leave County

Home Secretary Theresa May has been told to leave Berkshire after it emerged she was born 65 miles away in a completely different county.

Immigration officials swooped to kick May out of the county she moved to illegally in the 1990s, using rules she granted to them two weeks ago in a crackdown on people moving from one place to another.

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Nigel Farage Drinks Pint of Milk

UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage drank a pint of milk today, a sauce revealed.

The Eurosceptic politician apparently bought the full-fat beverage from a well-known supermarket and subsequently walked to a nearby dairy farm, where he proceeded to drink the pint in front of several professional photographers, and under the close supervision of an expert in press relations.

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Three reasons why immigration must be curbed

Immigration is the reason why your life is shit, and if we don’t do something to curb it soon the very fabric of our beloved British society will collapse in on itself, creating a void into which all of us will be sucked and crushed to death.

In this column I want to set out the three reasons why I know this to be the case. Amid all the clamour and jostling among politicians to be seen to be getting a grip on immigration – which even they must now recognise is Britain’s biggest problem (yes, even bigger than paedophilia) – there are still billions of immigrants sneaking into this country every year.

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William Hague ‘Madly In Love With John Kerry’

Foreign Secretary William Hague has denied claims he is deeply in love with US Secretary of State John Kerry.

The Tory cabinet minister allegedly thinks Kerry is a beautiful man, both inside and out.

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The real daddy of the G8 is someone else entirely

Few, those floods in central Europe were something, weren’t they? Christ. I felt sorry for the poor Czechs, but let’s be honest, the Germans deserved it, didn’t they?

It’s been quite fun to put my feet up this past week and enjoy a little sun here in Kensington, at the same time the krauts have been running around desperately trying to shore up their doorways with sandbags, only for the floods to come gushing in and drown them all like rats.

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