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Prince Charles Had Casting Vote In General Election

The heir to the British crown cast the deciding vote in the general election, it has been revealed by us.

Prince Charles was called into action after the Conservative and Labour parties won exactly the same number of MPs and votes – just as the polls had predicted.

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Coalition Government Just A Dream

The government has been run by chimpanzees on acid the past five years and the Tory and Lib Dem coalition was just a dream.

These are the shocking realisations millions of Britons are now making as they finally wake up to the reality of the rather less ridiculous acid-chimp scenario.

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Beavers Dam Parliament

England’s first wild population of beaver in 300 years has dammed parliament.

According to river sources, the resourceful rodents have built a 10-metre tall dam preventing politicians from entering Westminster.

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Crime Rate Plummets Thanks To New Snooping Law

Crime rates fell by more than half within a few hours of a new snoopers’ charter being rushed into law.

Police welcomed the introduction of the Data Retention and Investigatory Powers Act (DRIP) because it immediately legalised various snooping activities which they have been carrying on with behind our backs.

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Theresa May Ordered To Leave County

Home Secretary Theresa May has been told to leave Berkshire after it emerged she was born 65 miles away in a completely different county.

Immigration officials swooped to kick May out of the county she moved to illegally in the 1990s, using rules she granted to them two weeks ago in a crackdown on people moving from one place to another.

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Free Schools ‘Not Free’

Free schools cost money, it has been revealed.

Education secretary Michael Gove confirmed today that his flagship free schools policy is based on the definition of ‘free’ which means ‘without responsibility or duty’, rather than ‘without cost’.

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“Destroy Things And Pay Less Tax,” Pledges Osborne

George Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people’s lives a misery in his 2014 budget speech.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was “absolutely vital” that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their grubby hands on.

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