Free schools cost money, it has been revealed.

Education secretary Michael Gove confirmed today that his flagship free schools policy is based on the definition of ‘free’ which means ‘without responsibility or duty’, rather than ‘without cost’.

Now I’m not usually the first person you’ll hear complaining about indecent exposure, but when it comes to the murky assets of an island that is making me millions, I want them to be kept safely covered up with the kind of security that only a bra, or an offshore bank account, can provide.

Yes, I want Rihanna’s nipples to remain a closely-guarded state secret.

Manchester United reject David Moyes has been snapped up by loss-making moneylender Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS).

The taxpayer-owned bank is hungry for failure and has not wasted time in hiring man-of-the-moment Moyes, sacked by Man Utd this week after turning Premier League champions into Premier League paupers in under a year.

George Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people’s lives a misery in his 2014 budget speech.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was “absolutely vital” that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their grubby hands on.

Shopping at your nearest independent trader – be it baker, greengrocer, newsagent or fish fryer – is no doubt a fulfilling and life-enriching experience.

We would never question that.

Extremism has shaken Britain to its core.

Two men have done their best to destroy the very fabric of our society. Their callous, extreme acts, have been witnessed by many and been condemned across the land.

Helping other countries blow themselves up will boost Britain’s economy, the government reckons.