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Impossible To Eat And Sleep Football, Experiment Shows

A social experiment in Brazil shows that it is, in fact, not possible to eat and sleep football.

The Brazilian government spent £7billion on the sport in the hope that it could adequately feed, clothe and provide shelter for all the country’s 200 million inhabitants.

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Give war a chance

Everybody’s talking about diplomacy, amnesty, treaty, democracy, unity, harmony, tea, coffee and the plight of the honeybee.

All I’m saying is give war a chance.

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Evidence Of Foreign Invasions Found In Palestine, Korea, Japan, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Dominican Republic, Panama, Grenada, Kuwait, Iraq, Lebanon, Bosnia, Serbia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, More

Inspectors deployed by the international peacemaking body Freedom United (FU!) say it took them less than five minutes to find “concrete, cast iron, bleedingly obvious evidence” that millions of innocent civilians have been slaughtered by foreign invaders across a large swathe of the globe.

And, although it may take more time for FU! inspectors to determine exactly who was responsible for the vicious, unwarranted attacks, several of the targeted countries have already pointed the finger at “one or other of those rich, white, Christian countries in the North West”.

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Extreme ways are back again

Extremism has shaken Britain to its core.

Two men have done their best to destroy the very fabric of our society. Their callous, extreme acts, have been witnessed by many and been condemned across the land.

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Join the British Killing Squad!

You’re born, you cry, you grow, you don’t get enough love from your father, you bully, you miss school, you get into fights, you’re aggressive, impatient, misogynist, pliable, easily brainwashed.

You join the military, you obey orders, you learn to shoot, bomb, kill, you enjoy it, you shoot, it feels good, you kill, you laugh, you murder, you joke, you bomb a school, a hospital, a village, it’s fun, your friends die, your legs get blown off.

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Nobel Peace Prize Detained At Guantanamo Bay

The Nobel Peace Prize won in 2009 by US President Barack Obama has been detained at Guantanamo Bay to allow military interrogators to ask it why they’re still detaining people who haven’t been found guilty of fuck all.

The prestigious gold medallion named after Swedish dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel was discovered in Afghanistan, where Obama had left it for the last three years despite promising to take it home and keep it somewhere safe.

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It’s not the taking part, it’s the winnings

After the epic Great British summer we have had, the drug of competition has got many of us hooked. We want more.

We want more sprint finishes, more dives for the line, more forehand winners, more ippons. Hell, we don’t just want to see it again, we want to do it all ourselves.

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