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Andy Coulson Launches New Prison Tabloid, The Sin

Convicted snoop Andy Coulson has launched a new tabloid, The Sin, moments after starting his jail term.

The Sin is expected to feature a heady mix of cell scandal, warden gossip, darts coverage, porridge recipes and male genitalia. Page 3 of each edition will carry a blown-up image of the anus of a convicted felon.

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Rihanna’s nipples are not the only Barbadian asset that should be covered up

Now I’m not usually the first person you’ll hear complaining about indecent exposure, but when it comes to the murky assets of an island that is making me millions, I want them to be kept safely covered up with the kind of security that only a bra, or an offshore bank account, can provide.

Yes, I want Rihanna’s nipples to remain a closely-guarded state secret.

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Go on, get your clothes off

Hello there. This is an official announcement from your favourite weatherman, Jim Wetherman. I hereby declare that we have entered the vernal point of the Earth’s axial tilt, when the plane of our planet’s equator passes the centre of the Sun, and is thereby neither inclined away from nor towards the Sun.

Ladies and gentlemen, but especially ladies, I just wanted you to know that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is about to enter that time of year I like to call “springtime”.

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Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Wanderlust

I like Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Which is odd for me, because I don’t usually like women.

Maybe it’s the double-barrelled surname and the posh accent that’s enamoured me. Or the high credit rating.

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Winter Olympic Event Banned In Russia

Vladimir Putin has agreed to cancel a Winter Olympic event and move it to Canada after pressure from gay activists.

The Russian prime minister said he was happy to transfer the men’s figure skating event to Vancouver for the 2014 Games, but vowed that all other “legitimate” sports would take place in Sochi in February as originally planned.

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Gay Marriages ‘Can Take Place In Archbishop’s Closet’

The Archbishop of Canterbury has said he would be happy to conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies in his bedroom closet.

The newly-enthroned head of the Church of England, The Most Reverend Justin Welby, said that God always intended marriage to be a lifelong union of one man and one woman, unless no-one knows about it.

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