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“Destroy Things And Pay Less Tax,” Pledges Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne looks away from explosionGeorge Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people’s lives a misery in his 2014 budget speech.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was “absolutely vital” that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their grubby hands on.

“And don’t forget to vaporise,” noted Osborne, “I want companies to vaporise stuff too.

“Businesses will be entitled to a 50 percent tax discount, a bypass of the planning system and a free staff outing to Alton Towers if they can prove that they’ve vaporised a part of Britain.”

Firms that want to mix six gallons of water with 33,000 gallons of chemicals – including hydrochloric acid, uranium and other carcinogens – and pump the toxic mixture two miles underground at high pressure, in order to fracture rocks and extract natural gas, have already been promised half-price tax by the chancellor.

Osborne said he was “hugely impressed” with how the fracking companies caused earthquakes and poisoned drinking water supplies. “Wow, I mean, seriously big wow. That fracking stuff is impressive.

“As soon I saw the scale of the destruction they can cause, I just couldn’t resist rewarding those frackers.

“They are the example by which I want every other company in Britain to follow.”

To aid the carnage Osborne also said that any initiatives aimed at repairing, restoring, mending, fixing, rebuilding or in any way improving Britain would be duly punished.

“Giving out free insulation to help poor people stay warm is unacceptable, as is planting trees and keeping fire stations open,” continued Osborne, as he set about mailing explosives to companies listed on the FTSE100.

“I want this country to get totally fracked up.”

 



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