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Russell Brand ate my tortoise

Readers, I must interupt my irregular seven-day weather forecast to bring you some dreadful, harrowing news.

Russell Brand ate my tortoise.

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Beavers Dam Parliament

England’s first wild population of beaver in 300 years has dammed parliament.

According to river sources, the resourceful rodents have built a 10-metre tall dam preventing politicians from entering Westminster.

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Who Will Survive The Big Race?

The favourite to win tomorrow’s Grand Casualty is not taking anything for granted.

Rifle At The Ready is a 6/1 shot to survive the race but knows she’ll need to avoid the Pit of Death at jump six if she’s to stand a chance.

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Australia Issues Prime Minister Warning

Australia is on high alert today after several sightings of the world’s most dangerous prime minister were reported.

Tony Abbott – who ‘poses an extreme risk to everyone’ – was spotted in Canberra feasting on the remains of the regulations which protect the continent’s natural wonders.

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Conversation Groups Speechless

Awkward silences are spreading rapidly across Britain, but conversation groups are saying nothing.

The lack of banter is now so severe it threatens to make extinct several chatterbox species, including even the receptionist.

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I grew up in the 1970s, it never used to rain back then

Fuck my saggy balls has it been raining a lot. Seriously. I daren’t go outside for fear I’ll be drowned.

Didn’t you see the news? Millions perished in this one village alone. Swept to their watery deaths, they were. Had they even survived, their cars were all trashed so they’d probably have had to kill themselves anyway.

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