The Prophet Muhammad says he’s “chilled out” with cartoons and other depictions of himself since he died nearly 1,400 years ago.

In an exclusive interview with The Taxman today Muhammad, or “The Big Mo” as he told us he prefers to be called these days, said the ban on people drawing him only really began because he was self-conscious about his big nose.

A group of storytellers who believe in a particular version of events, some concerning characters with magical powers, are killing groups who like to tell slightly different stories about similar characters.

None of the storytelling groups have been able to conclusively prove that their narratives are correct, largely because the key events took place several hundred years ago and the protagonists have long since died, but this has not stopped them using violence to try and enforce their claims.

Inspectors deployed by the international peacemaking body Freedom United (FU!) say it took them less than five minutes to find “concrete, cast iron, bleedingly obvious evidence” that millions of innocent civilians have been slaughtered by foreign invaders across a large swathe of the globe.

And, although it may take more time for FU! inspectors to determine exactly who was responsible for the vicious, unwarranted attacks, several of the targeted countries have already pointed the finger at “one or other of those rich, white, Christian countries in the North West”.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has said he would be happy to conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies in his bedroom closet.

The newly-enthroned head of the Church of England, The Most Reverend Justin Welby, said that God always intended marriage to be a lifelong union of one man and one woman, unless no-one knows about it.

Batshit crazy scientists have said we must prepare for the end of the world because that’s what ‘evidence’ indicates will happen unless we act now to stop it.

Citing a modern text which portends doom based on something called ‘the laws of physics’, cuckoo geeks warn that rising sea levels will submerge many of the world’s great cities while huge swathes of forest burn and desertify, leading to the extinction of most of the planet’s animal and plant species.

Fuck my saggy balls has it been raining a lot. Seriously. I daren’t go outside for fear I’ll be drowned.

Didn’t you see the news? Millions perished in this one village alone. Swept to their watery deaths, they were. Had they even survived, their cars were all trashed so they’d probably have had to kill themselves anyway.

London 2012 may not be hit by a deadly wave of suicide bombings after Al-Qaeda admitted it passed its responsibility for terrorism to a private contractor.

The revelation came as the London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games (Locog) staged a practice drill for a terrorist attack during the opening ceremony, at which bomb-laden martyrs were expected to rip a hole in the Olympic Stadium.