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I won’t stand by and watch the country I love blown apart by a Force Five Fuckwit

Here we are then. The last week of Great Britain. After Thursday, thanks to an endorsement by a skinny, drug-addicted, tortoise-stealing comedian, this country will basically cease to exist.

Yeah you heard me. This is it. The end. Once Labour get in, Ed Millicunt has already basically admitted that he is going to turn The Treasury into an ATM machine for the idle and the weak. The money will all be gone by June, and then the banks will be forced to pay back the money they owe the government. Jesus. Can you imagine?

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There’s a rat in my kitchen, what are you going to do?

Dear landlord,

I’ve been living in your cramped little four-bed semi for several years now. Don’t get me wrong, me and my three housemates have had some great times living together, what with all the wild parties, barbecues and orgies you’ve allowed us to throw. It’s been a blast and I’m extremely grateful.

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David Cameron Finally Agrees To Worsen Flooding

David Cameron has finally pledged to make flooding worse.

The Prime Minister said his number one priority was to follow the nonsensical advice of people who might vote for him at the next election, rather than experts the government employs to give sensible advice.

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Nick Clegg: “I’m sorry”

Hello, my name is Nick Clegg. This is a newspaper column that I have been allowed to write, and, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to use it to grovel.

Now, as you may know, I’m the Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I was hired to do this job after my party finished third in a general election four years ago.

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Fat Cats Lose Fight To Occupy City Of London

The British people have won their High Court bid to evict occupying kleptocrats from the City of London.

Laundering businessmen of the City, who protect the interests of the wealthy elite through an unaccountable plutocracy and a coterie of security personnel, have been squatting on our land since the 12th Century.

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Volcano To House Goldman Sachs Office

Global banking conglomerate Goldman Sachs has relocated its headquarters to a new office built within a tectonic rupture of the Earth’s surface.

The extinct volcano, located somewhere on the Italian peninsula, now houses the interstellar investment bank’s brand new spacecraft-swallowing rocket shuttle, launchpad and nuclear development facility.

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Obama Joins Liberal Democrats

US President Barack Obama has been unveiled as the newest member of the Liberal Democrat Party.

Obama told the party’s annual conference that he was greatly impressed with the way they had caved in to the ruling neo-cons since they gained power and hoped he could swap notes with leader Nick Clegg.

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