This takes the bacon.

The heir to the British crown cast the deciding vote in the general election, it has been revealed by us.

Prince Charles was called into action after the Conservative and Labour parties won exactly the same number of MPs and votes – just as the polls had predicted.

The government has been run by chimpanzees on acid the past five years and the Tory and Lib Dem coalition was just a dream.

These are the shocking realisations millions of Britons are now making as they finally wake up to the reality of the rather less ridiculous acid-chimp scenario.

The Scottish Parliament will not be bombed in any targeted airstrike, David Cameron has vowed.

Are you wealthy? Famous? Considering tax avoidance? Not sure what you’re going to say if you get caught and everyone demands you forfeit your OBE?

David Cameron has finally pledged to make flooding worse.

The Prime Minister said his number one priority was to follow the nonsensical advice of people who might vote for him at the next election, rather than experts the government employs to give sensible advice.

Capitalism isn’t perfect, but what’s the alternative? Surely not communism, the tired old socialist malarkey that spawned Joseph Stalin and Ed Miliband?

Don’t be silly. Communism failed really badly and lots of people were held in slavery and were worked to death. Which never happens under capitalism, obviously.