Downing Street has warned journalists, bloggers and The Taxman‘s caretaker that under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should the bald patch now visible on the prime minister’s cranium be used as any kind of metaphor, not even for the gaping chasm of intelligence at the heart of this new government.

After the election of 2005, I wrote an obituary for British democracy. Now in 2010, we are promised that things will change.

Clegg and Cameron tell us our democracy will be revived, resurrected, reformed. We want to believe them, but something’s stopping us. It’s the lies. The big stinking pile of lies.

Gallons of Australian semen exploded all over Britain today, leaving a sticky stain on the country’s soul.

Rupert Murdoch’s British media network finally let out a synchronised, screaming sigh of relief as the man they had been sleeping with for six months entered 10 Downing Street for the first time as prime minister, on Tuesday night.

David Cameron has unveiled the winning entries in the Conservative Party’s nationwide policy hunt.

Bored with Blair? Labour letting you down? Looking for a new political party that shares your views? Join the Conservative Party! We share everybody’s views – even yours! That’s right the Tories are back, and this time, we’re here to stay! So get in store today and see for yourself our fine new range of policies.

Feel guilty about the size of your carbon footprint? We’ll make you feel better! Our new leader cycles to work! High taxes forcing you to shop at ASDA? Don’t worry! We’ll lower them! Tired of receiving free healthcare? No problem – we’ll make you pay for it! Committed a crime? We’ll send you to jail! Until you die!