Breaking News: Nigel Farage dies in Singapore retail park catastrophe...
You Are Here: Home » Opinion » Tax dodging is never justified, except when…

Tax dodging is never justified, except when…

Jimmy Carr and Gary Barlow make a tax getaway

Are you wealthy? Famous? Considering tax avoidance? Not sure what you’re going to say if you get caught and everyone demands you forfeit your OBE?

Well, I’ve got some advice for you. But before I dole out this little nugget of wisdom, I’d just like to clarify a couple of things.

Firstly, although this newspaper does take inspiration from the legend of tax collectors past, it is fundamentally different. They took people’s money and molded it into something resembling a public service. We, on the other hand, take people’s truth and mold it into something resembling state publicity.

Secondly, I am The Taxman‘s rogue caretaker. In just the same way as when Boris Johnson writes a comment piece for the London Evening Standard, my views might be published by The Taxman, but they do not entirely mirror those of my employer.

Now, when Gary Barlow and Jimmy Carr, those loveable institutions from music and television, were discovered to have invested their hard-earned monies into elaborate ‘offshore’ schemes designed to avoid paying the standard rates of tax levied on high-earning UK citizens, they were publicly shamed and demonised.

By newspapers. And the prime minister.

Carr apologised immediately, while Barlow and his bandmates from Take That were taken to court by our friends at Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) and, two years later, have now been ordered to pay back £20million.

Barlow has barely said a word since the court order came through. Here’s what he should have said:

 

Yes, I did intentionally use an offshore accounting ruse to avoid paying tens of millions in tax to the government. But no, I’m not sorry.

I’m not sorry because the government, had I paid it to them, would have used my hard-earned millions to fund many immoral and unethical activities; such as warfare, murder, torture, colonialism, detention without trial, extraordinary rendition, drone strikes, building and maintaining a stockpile of nuclear weapons…

“Phone tapping, email surveillance, internet censorship, press censorship, police brutality, curbing the right to protest, jailing people for growing and selling plants…

“Subsidising fossil fuels, chopping down trees, preventing forest growth, polluting rivers, polluting streams, polluting the air, exacerbating climate change…

“Killing badgers, killing birds, killing beavers, killing bees, killing young black men…

“And blaming it all on the poor.

“Further, I know the government would not have spent my money on important things that would help improve people’s lives, and also save lives.

“Things such as promoting peace, mitigating against and adapting to climate change, building and expanding state schools in the places where they are actually needed, funding higher education, hiring teachers, hiring doctors and nurses…

“Building new railways in the places where they are actually needed, improving rural public transport networks, providing humanitarian aid to war-torn countries, prosecuting the bankers who gambled away our money…

“And this is exactly why I have donated all of the tax I dodged to several carefully-chosen charities, in whom I trust to spend my money on activities that aren’t immoral or unethical, and will improve and save more people’s lives than had I given my money to The Taxman.”




Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestEmail this to someoneShare on RedditShare on TumblrFlattr the authorShare on StumbleUponDigg thisShare on Google+Share on LinkedInBuffer this page
Share
web design by clickcreations
Scroll to top