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Trees are falling down on your face

A fallen treeThis is an urgent weather warning from me. I am warning you, and all of the people you know, to be careful.

Be careful, people, because trees are falling down on your face. Nowhere is safe. NOWHERE.

Monday

Yes, that’s right, you heard me. Trees. Fucking TREES. Falling down. FALLING DOWN. The situation is so bad, folks, that today the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg had to cancel a press conference. HOLY FUCK.

Tuesday

Oak, maple, poplar, alder, birch, even those bloody conifers. They’re falling on Britain and they’re falling HARD. If a tree falls on your car you will die, regardless of whether or not you are sitting in it at the time. If a tree falls on your house your mum will also die and anyone who survives will get pancreatic cancer. JESUS.

Wednesday

Trains. Don’t be fucking stupid.

Thursday

This tree-falling epidemic is exactly the kind of doomsday scenario we’ve been fearing ever since the Conservative Party failed to win a majority. I warned everyone this would probably happen at some point. It was inevitable, when you think about it. Labour had left so many trees standing around that it was only a matter of time before they all came crashing down in one huge big storm.

Friday

And guess who is going to have clear all this mess up? No, not Vince Cable. Although he will be give a pair of gloves. No, I mean our dear mayor, Boris Johnson. He’s never afraid to muck in, you see. Britain has too many trees, as these past few days have shown, and there’s only one man who knows how to chop them down. Chop chop, Boris.

Weekend

Once all Britain’s trees are destroyed, Boris and I will be free to install other tall objects in their place. Unlike trees, however, hydraulic fracturing wells are not susceptible to high wind gusts. So let’s get fracking, I say. And if you’re a bit sceptical, well, we’ll paint them all green and put a twig on top, okay?

Sweet.



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