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London To Be Replaced With 75,000-Storey Tower

Greater London will be knocked down and replaced with a 75,000-storey tower 186 miles tall and 28 miles wide.

Developer Wimpey Berk Lend announced its plans to reconstruct the homes of eight million people following a deal with 32 London borough councils that includes a pledge to build an “exciting” new community centre in Gillingham.


Olympic Stadium Rejects ‘Useless’ West Ham

The Olympic Stadium has rejected West Ham United over fears the club would ruin its reputation for sporting success.

In the latest twist to the long-running saga over the London 2012 venue’s legacy, the arena said it was now in talks with Leyton Orient.


A drunk Scot is no match for the brute force of a polar bear

This is an urgent weather warning. Polar bears have migrated south to the Isle of Arran in Scotland and, as I write, they are eating the residents of Brodick.

No other media outlets know about this catastrophe yet because there has been an island-wide power cut. But I promise you, it’s happening, and the bears are hungry.


Emergency Services To Be Replaced By Shops And Offices

Police stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.


Why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

Apparently there was some sort of climate conference held in Qatar last week. Personally, I think it’s a good idea to put the issue back on the agenda again. Let’s face it, 2012 has been fucking freezing.

Jesus, I almost bloody drowned. So why shouldn’t we start discussing ways to start heating the Earth again? I mean, why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?


Expanding the capacity of British deceit

Never has so much discussion arisen from the asking of a question to which the answer is so short and so simple and so blindingly obvious.

How do we increase aviation capacity in the UK?


School Playing Fields ‘Too Muddy for Wheelchairs’

Every state school playing field in the country will be sold to an IT company because they’re too muddy, the government has announced.

Heralding the start of the London 2012 Paralympics, Education Secretary Michael Gove said a fire sale of school playing fields would secure a permanent legacy for the Games.

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