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Why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

Polar bear needs iceApparently there was some sort of climate conference held in Qatar last week. Personally, I think it’s a good idea to put the issue back on the agenda again. Let’s face it, 2012 has been fucking freezing.

Jesus, I almost bloody drowned. So why shouldn’t we start discussing ways to start heating the Earth again? I mean, why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

Monday

When climate change stopped last year, I was delighted. It was a massive weight off my shoulders. Looking back on it, I just can’t believe I spent so long worrying about it. Now, well, I’m a bit more philosophical. Climate change, surely, is not such a bad thing. Can’t we just turn the world’s thermostat up by a few notches? According to the politicians who met in Doha for the UN‘s COP18 climate conference, we sure as hell bloody can.

Tuesday

It’s fantastic news, and, as a BP shareholder, I’m fully behind the company’s commitment to protecting the environment by helping Russia find an oil well in the Arctic Ocean. I was party to some of the strictly secret talks BP held with Rosneft, the biggest publicly-traded oil company in the world, when they were making their global warming pact in October. According to the lads from Moscow, they are certain they know where the oil is. All they needed was BP‘s digging expertise to exploit it. And now they’ve got it, summer 2013 is looking like one hell of a party. Someone get the vodka in!

Wednesday

In the mean time, though, we’re going to have to cope with the Beast From The East, a freezing Siberian weather front that’s going to kill your granny. Bet she wishes she hadn’t given any money to that Greenpeace chugger now, eh?

Thursday

Until the climate starts heating up again, I’m taking no chances. My flat is now water-proof, ice-proof and prostitute-proof. I’m not going to let anything dampen my spirits, least of all a frosty blonde.

Friday

Digging for oil in the Arctic isn’t just about saving the environment, you understand. No, there’s more to it than that. Creating jobs. Increasing market competition. Making David Cameron look like a hypocrite so Boris can take over. And, of course, helping Sir Ranulph Fiennes cross the Antarctic. Without oil companies like BP keeping the legendary explorer warm, he doesn’t stand a chance!

Weekend

By now, I expect it’ll be -50C in Kensington. But don’t worry, you’re in good hands. The world is controlled by rich men in suits, you know. And as the last few weeks have proven, they’re never the type of people to let you down.



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