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School Playing Fields ‘Too Muddy for Wheelchairs’

A wheelchair semi-submerged in a muddy puddleEvery state school playing field in the country will be sold to an IT company because they’re too muddy, the government has announced.

Heralding the start of the London 2012 Paralympics, Education Secretary Michael Gove said a fire sale of school playing fields would secure a permanent legacy for the Games.

“Muddy grassy fields aren’t suitable for wheelchairs,” Gove explained as he sat in a wheelchair and attempted to climb Parliament Hill.

“Yes look, see? The wheels are all muddy and I’ve fallen over backwards.

“These fields, these awful muddy fields of mud, and millions more state-owned mud swamps all over the UK, they are all inaccessible for the disabled.

“We must sell them and we must let a French IT company build offices in their place, with lifts and ramps and disabled toilets, where disabled people can safely go and be told they are not disabled enough.

“Sell the fields, I say. Sell them all.”

Mr Gove said Paralympics sponsor, disability benefits assessor and geeky tech firm Atos would be sold Britain’s state-owned stock of muddy, swampy inaccessible playing fields for a fiver each.

He continued: “How many Paralympic sports are played on muddy fields? Eh? Come on, tell me. None. That’s it. None.

“Not even wheelchair bloody rugby. They play it indoors. Rugger, indoors for Christ’s sake. Why? Because it’s too bloody muddy for them in their God-damned wheelchairs, idiot.

“I tell you, it’s about time someone stood up on behalf of these disabled people. They can’t stand up for themselves, you see.

“Because they’ve got no legs.”

A spokesman for Atos, asked if disabled people might be allowed to play Boccia in their new offices built on school playing fields, said: “What disabled people?”

The government also announced today that the pass rate for a gold medal in the 100-metre amputee race had been raised to five seconds flat.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith added: “I want those gold medal winners means-tested.

“If they can run faster than all other comparably disabled people, they’re probably fit enough to wait in a dole queue for seven years.”


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