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Jeremy Clarkson Named Minister for Road Safety

Jeremy Clarkson has been made Minister for Road Safety in another perfectly sensible government reshuffle.

The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down.

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Second-Home Owners ‘Unable To Get On Third-Home Ladder’

A shortfall in housing is pricing out many potential first-time third-home buyers.

The decline in the supply of affordable mansions and a sharp rise in the viewing figures for Escape to the Country have combined to create a ‘perfect storm’ in the market for multiple dwellings.

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Assad Don’t Kill People, Drones Do

US President Barack Obama launched a vicious verbal assault on his Syrian counterpart today amid claims that Bashar al-Assad was now killing people at a faster rate than American drones.

The totalitarian dictator slammed Assad’s bodycount as “meagre” and pointed toward his own record of slaughtering hundreds of children with flying robots.

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It’s great living a life of excess without worry to the consequences

I tell you what, I’m so glad climate change has stopped and there isn’t going to be an apocalypse any more. Boy, did I celebrate this reprieve in style over Christmas.

First, I bought some shares in British Petroleum. Then, and get this right, I left my heating on max all day even though I was in Chipping Norton shooting pigeons.

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Fuck the government, fuck you all

I need to be honest. I have no clue what the weather’s going to be like this week.

It will probably rain, it could equally be dry, maybe a bit of both, a little snow, some hail, a few cats, the odd dog and my uncle Sam. One thing I do know is, there’s a big black cloud hanging over my life.

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Nothing At All Happening In the World Right Now, Confirms British Media

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

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Refugees Fleeing Torture ‘Wimps’

Asylum seekers, refugees and all immigrants that look a bit tanned are just cowards too scared of getting their genitalia hacked off, David Cameron told a group of Daily Mail readers yesterday.

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