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Horror Scopes

Black cat up a treeWe, here at The Taxman, cannot afford to hire a genuine astrologist, so instead we decided to bring to our dear readers a set of ‘Horror Scopes’.

They’re not based on the stars, but rather, based on real life. And so, this week, bad things will happen…

Capricorn

After a heavy night on the town with your regular drinking partner this week you will mistakenly give him an aspirin instead of the Viagra pill he asked if he could borrow. The next day at work one of your female work colleagues will complain of sexual harassment after she suggests you take an aspirin to suppress that pounding headache.

Aquarius

A black cat falling onto the windscreen of your car this week will lead you to believe that this was the ‘sign’ you had been waiting for. You will decide that no longer shall you wait for the opportunities to fall your way, but that you will be making your own luck from now on. The next morning you will discover that the hooker you slept with the night before has stolen your iPad.

Pisces

A piece of bad fortune will come your way this week as an unlucky combination of a broken alarm clock and a traffic jam makes you miss a very important meeting at work. Your boss takes an unusually unsympathetic view of this as he will have been assaulted earlier that day and subsequently decides to fire you on the spot.

Aries

You will be very annoyed to find that your milk hasn’t been delivered this week. Being the whiny old bastard that you are you will decide to phone the milk distributors and complain. However this will result in you leaving the iron on. Your house will burn to the ground.

Taurus

Your mate will discover that you’ve been sleeping with his wife. He will violently assault you before going on a drunken binge and getting arrested.

Gemini

This week you will be woken by the sound of a smashing window and discover there is an intruder in your house. The burglar is surprisingly quick to flee, equipped as he is with no weapon, but your decision to chase him will result in you being run over by a milk float.

Cancer

After a heavy night on the town with your regular drinking partner this week your wife will become frustrated by your impotence and decide to embark on an illicit affair with your mate whom she has fancied for ages. Later this week you will be arrested for drunken and violent behaviour.

Leo

After calling for the fire brigade to rescue your beloved cat stuck up a tree this week, an apparently stoned fireman will drop Molly on to the dual carriageway below.

Virgo

You will find yourself consoling your mate this week after he gets fired. His suggestion of a night spent at a casino in town however will be poorly judged as he encourages you to blow your entire salary “because you still have one”. The next day you will be declared bankrupt.

Libra

After running someone over this week you will become consumed with guilt for paralysing them. Unable to sleep at night, you will depend on anti-depressants to stop you from killing yourself.

Scorpio

Like most weeks, you will be getting extremely high on skunk, although this time you will find yourself encouraging your bankrupt mate to go ahead and burgle someone. The next morning a fireman will discover your stash of cannabis after checking to see if your house had been damaged by the fire next door.

Sagittarius

A suicidal milkman will distract your attention from the road this week and the subsequent car crash will write-off the new BMW you bought earlier that day.



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