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Support your local conglomerate!

Shopping at your nearest independent trader – be it baker, greengrocer, newsagent or fish fryer – is no doubt a fulfilling and life-enriching experience.

We would never question that.


William Hague ‘Madly In Love With John Kerry’

Foreign Secretary William Hague has denied claims he is deeply in love with US Secretary of State John Kerry.

The Tory cabinet minister allegedly thinks Kerry is a beautiful man, both inside and out.


Tesco Arms Itself For Pub Offensive

Supermarket giant Tesco is calling for last orders from Britain’s pub industry.

A new range of shops called ‘The Tesco Arms’ will feature skittle aisles, dart cheese boards and self-service urinals.


Barclays ATP World Tour Finals

I’ve been in quarantine for the last few months; barred from writing, talking or farting about anything to do with music.

That’s because I’m a Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge, and it’s not good form to be seen to comment on a competition that one is involved in deciding the outcome of.


Thatcher Privatises Afterlife

Margaret Thatcher has privatised the Afterlife just hours after arriving there.

Heavenly services which provide the deceased with unlimited flows of wine, chocolate, smoked cheeses and sexual gratification are among those to have been contracted out to morally contemptuous corporations by the former British prime minister.


Brit Awards 2013

The problem with the Brit Awards is not that it is a mawkish celebrity ego-trip, catering exclusively for the aesthetically agreeable stooges of the record company leviathans and confirming that successful acts have indeed been very successful; nor that it is presented by a fat, ugly cockney.

No, it’s neither of those things. I actually felt quite attracted to James Corden this year. Rather, the problem with the ‘Brits’ is its nauseatingly boorish choice of sponsor.

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