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Ebola Corporation Sues Government

The multinational firm distributing Ebola across Europe is set to sue the British government after ‘harsh’ measures against the virus were imposed at UK airports.

Ebola Corporation claims screening passengers arriving from west Africa will slow growth of the deadly virus in Britain and prevent thousands of new jobs from being created.

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There’s a rat in my kitchen, what are you going to do?

Dear landlord,

I’ve been living in your cramped little four-bed semi for several years now. Don’t get me wrong, me and my three housemates have had some great times living together, what with all the wild parties, barbecues and orgies you’ve allowed us to throw. It’s been a blast and I’m extremely grateful.

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Cameron Rejects Airstrikes On Scotland

The Scottish Parliament will not be bombed in any targeted airstrike, David Cameron has vowed.

The UK prime minister said the airstrikes would “definitely not happen” because Scotland is going to vote ‘no’ in the upcoming referendum on independence.

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Impossible To Eat And Sleep Football, Experiment Shows

A social experiment in Brazil shows that it is, in fact, not possible to eat and sleep football.

The Brazilian government spent £7billion on the sport in the hope that it could adequately feed, clothe and provide shelter for all the country’s 200 million inhabitants.

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Go on, get your clothes off

Hello there. This is an official announcement from your favourite weatherman, Jim Wetherman. I hereby declare that we have entered the vernal point of the Earth’s axial tilt, when the plane of our planet’s equator passes the centre of the Sun, and is thereby neither inclined away from nor towards the Sun.

Ladies and gentlemen, but especially ladies, I just wanted you to know that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is about to enter that time of year I like to call “springtime”.

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Olympic Stadium Rejects ‘Useless’ West Ham

The Olympic Stadium has rejected West Ham United over fears the club would ruin its reputation for sporting success.

In the latest twist to the long-running saga over the London 2012 venue’s legacy, the arena said it was now in talks with Leyton Orient.

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“We Must Curb Foodbank Bonuses,” Says Iain Duncan Smith

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to tackle the “ludicrous” bonuses being given out by foodbanks across the UK.

Latest figures show 350,000 food parcels have been handed out to people who haven’t earned them.

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