A drunk Scot is no match for the brute force of a polar bear

This is an urgent weather warning. Polar bears have migrated south to the Isle of Arran in Scotland and, as I write, they are eating the residents of Brodick.

No other media outlets know about this catastrophe yet because there has been an island-wide power cut. But I promise you, it’s happening, and the bears are hungry.

Monday

If you live in Arran and you’re reading this message, maybe because you have a back-up generator or solar panels on your roof, I’d advise that you keep your gunpowder dry. The polar bears are advancing south down the A841 and they’ll soon be arriving at Lamlash. I saw about 76 of the Arctic predators converging on Brodick using my own personal weather satellite. And I only spotted them because the blood from the villagers there has turned all the surrounding snow to red.

Tuesday

Get out of there. Get on a boat and run. There’ll be more snow on the way soon, and this will only make the bears more difficult to stop. If you live elsewhere in Scotland, make sure you vote no in the referendum for independence, otherwise you’ll never be able to escape the next time polar bears invade.

Wednesday

I predict that these unusual bear migrations will become more and more common in years to come, simply because it is getting colder and polar bears tend to like the cold. All they have to do is float down to Scotland on an iceberg, find the nearest pub, and tuck in. A drunk Scot is no match for the brute force and razor-sharp teeth of a polar bear.

Thursday

We’re safe in England, for now. But imagine what could happen in future if we don’t act to stop the scourge of the polar bear before it gets any colder. Children won’t be safe in the playground and pensioners will make easy snacks. In only 15 years time we could see polar bears riding the London Underground or, heaven forbid, a Boris Bike.

Friday

Surely the only way to stop all of these horrific scenarios from playing out would be to heat up the climate, and make those polar bears stay in the Arctic Circle, where they belong. Since the year 1998, temperatures worldwide have plummeted. It’s time to put a stop to this. We must warm the globe. NOW.

Weekend

The best way to start heating the planet is to purchase shares in British Petroleum, just as I have done. BP is determined to kill off the polar bear, as you should be to. Join us, and you’ll be doing those poor souls in Arran a favour.

Buy a share. Save a life.