We collect the truth. Your truth.
We, dear reader, we have the power to collect. To collect the truth. Yes, we do.
We watch and we listen and we probe and we take notes. In our Tesco Value notepads.
The information we gather is churned up and it is spat out. Like a rebate. A truth rebate.
We write stories. Short stories, one at a time. We order them randomly, arbitrarily. Sometimes our IT man deletes them. Sometimes our cleaner sweeps them away.
The truth is always in there, of course. We just don’t make it easy to find. And why would we?
We’re professionals. Professional storytellers. Don’t you trust us? Don’t you trust that what we do, that what we do with your truth, behind closed doors, is for your benefit?
Sometimes we make things up, we admit, but it’s only because we care so much about the truth, and it’s only ever by “accident”. We just want everyone to get their fair share.
We collect the truth not just from you, but from everyone, based on a sliding scale of how much truth we deem to have happened to you.
And our stories, our stories are our way of distributing that truth. Of spreading it far and wide. Fair and firm.
If we don’t seek the truth, then, who shall? Who do you trust with your truth? The unprofessional, the amateur? On what basis is he qualified? On what grounds do you trust him more?
No, you are wrong. We are the arbiters of truth, and you shall consume it from us, and only us. You can complain and you can whine but eventually you will accept and you will understand.
And then, and then. You will see the favour, the grace, the glory, that The Taxman has bestowed upon these lands.
We work for Her Majesty. We are Her Majesty’s favourite newspaper. We exist above the government, not underneath it. Only from a height such as ours can you obtain perspective.
Our truth is sometimes painful. Our truth is sometimes harsh. Our truth is always pure and unadulterated.
This is why the rich avoid us, by fleeing for exotic lands. But we are clamping down on truth avoidance and we will catch them very soon.
And the poor, well the poor can try to evade us. But they will always be drawn in by our golden bosom.
So read on, and weep, dear reader. We are here for your pleasure. But only after the Queen has used us first.
Still seeking more truth? Read what others have had to say about us through the medium of songwriting.