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Corbyn pledges to accept one million refugees in his beard

Hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing war, murder, rape and economic collapse are set to make new homes deep within Jeremy Corbyn’s beard.

The newly-elected Labour Party leader said there was “plenty of room” in and around the hair follicles of his silver facial fuzz for the refugees to “start a new life” free from violence and fear.

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Greece Melted Down

Greece has been melted down and recycled.

The country was collected this morning by Troika Waste Authority Team (TWAT) and taken to a mechanical and biological waste treatment plant in Brussels.

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London To Be Replaced With 75,000-Storey Tower

Greater London will be knocked down and replaced with a 75,000-storey tower 186 miles tall and 28 miles wide.

Developer Wimpey Berk Lend announced its plans to reconstruct the homes of eight million people following a deal with 32 London borough councils that includes a pledge to build an “exciting” new community centre in Gillingham.

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Sepp Blatter Wins Fifth Consecutive World Cup of Corruption

The much-coveted FIFA World Cup of Corruption has been won for a fifth consecutive time by Sepp Blatter, a Swiss pensioner renowned for his deadly backhanders.

In a tense grand final in Zurich, the centre of global corruption, Blatter successfully retained his title with a dominant display of free-flowing, attacking bribes.

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Prince Charles Had Casting Vote In General Election

The heir to the British crown cast the deciding vote in the general election, it has been revealed by us.

Prince Charles was called into action after the Conservative and Labour parties won exactly the same number of MPs and votes – just as the polls had predicted.

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Coalition Government Just A Dream

The government has been run by chimpanzees on acid the past five years and the Tory and Lib Dem coalition was just a dream.

These are the shocking realisations millions of Britons are now making as they finally wake up to the reality of the rather less ridiculous acid-chimp scenario.

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Islamic State Video Shows Hostage Being Held Without Charge For 13 Years

A chilling new Islamic State video starring homegrown terrorist Jihadi John shows a Western hostage being gruesomely detained without charge.

The terrifying tape shows in graphic detail how the hostage’s mind gradually turns to mush after spending just one hour outside his cell each day for over a decade.

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