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I grew up in the 1970s, it never used to rain back then

A flooded Shell garageFuck my saggy balls has it been raining a lot. Seriously. I daren’t go outside for fear I’ll be drowned.

Didn’t you see the news? Millions perished in this one village alone. Swept to their watery deaths, they were. Had they even survived, their cars were all trashed so they’d probably have had to kill themselves anyway.

Monday

Tragic it was, absolutely fucking horribly tragic. And that was just my pet tortoise Timmy’s cabbage getting soggy. Have you actually seen the weather forecast for the next week? Well, I have. It’s bad folks, I advise you check it out.

Tuesday

Ah yes, right, that’s why you’re reading this. Well, Tuesday looks like being wet. That’s shocked you, hasn’t it? Don’t lie. It hasn’t shocked you at all. Why would it? It’s been raining like a fucking Biblical piss factory since April. Even your Wellington boots have given up and gone to Spain.

Wednesday

I’ve checked in with my psychologist. He asked me if there were any times during my childhood I could remember when I got really wet. I said don’t be stupid, I grew up in the 1970s. It never used to rain back then. It was all sunshine and snow. All year round. You muppet.

Thursday

Fucking hell. This is going to be bad. Real bad. There’s a big puddle and it’s heading straight for Timmy’s hutch. I don’t know what to do any more. I just. Don’t. Know.

Friday

Oh God, it’s not going to stop, is it? It’s actually just going to rain forever. I’m going to have to barricade myself in my flat. I’ve got no choice. And I’ll do it while the hooker is getting changed so I won’t ever have to open my front door again.

Weekend

Oh no wait, what about food? I don’t have enough food. Someone get me some food, my windows and doors are padlocked shut and I flushed the keys. Fuck! I’m really hungry. What can I eat? What can I fucking eat until the rain stops? All I’ve got is a pack of sausages, a tortoise and a prostitute. Not even Nigella Lawson can solve this one. Argghhhhh!




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