Are you hungry? I said; are you hungry? Good. That’s very good. Because we’ve just made a pizza that will make you forget what hunger feels like.

Normal old boring pizza chains use dough made from flour and yeast and all of that stuff. We don’t do that. We make our pizza dough out of bacon.

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to tackle the “ludicrous” bonuses being given out by foodbanks across the UK.

Latest figures show 350,000 food parcels have been handed out to people who haven’t earned them.

Vegetable soup comprised overwhelmingly of vegetables has been found in the UK.

Test samples stored by a company called Veggie Veg Ltd contained 80 percent turnip, 14 percent celeriac, four percent swede and two percent parsnip, the Food Standards Agency (FSA) said.

Fuck my saggy balls has it been raining a lot. Seriously. I daren’t go outside for fear I’ll be drowned.

Didn’t you see the news? Millions perished in this one village alone. Swept to their watery deaths, they were. Had they even survived, their cars were all trashed so they’d probably have had to kill themselves anyway.

There’s a dark cloud hanging over this city, and it’s threatening to rain on the people of London for four years straight. We must unite against this threat, we must stick together in these tough times and fight that which would strike us down and besmirch us.

And to what form does this threat manifest itself? Why, it’s Kenneth Robert Livingstone, I presume.

I’m so glad winter has finally passed, I tell you, after losing £31.8billion in Las Vegas, the freezing downpours of the last few months took me to the brink of suicide.

Everyone in Somalia, Ethiopia, Kenya and South Sudan has expressed sympathy for their fiscally-challenged friends in the United States of America and the European Union.