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Netanyahu Murders Kittens “In Self Defence”

Kittens look scared as Netanyahu hunts them downBenjamin Netanyahu has slain a litter of kittens after being scratched on the arm by their mother.

The Israeli prime minister said he acted in “self-defence” after the four-year-old moggy, called Mimi, lashed out as he took her food bowl away.

During the ensuing violence, Netanyahu managed to shoot dead every one of Mimi’s litter of five newly-born kittens.

Mimi escaped through the cat flap, but Netanyahu said the deaths were her fault and the kittens should have known better than to have accepted the volatile feline as their mother.

“I gave the kittens ample warning of what I was about to do,” he said. “I told them I was going to shoot them if they did not leave their basket.

“Their mother had scratched me as I attempted to remove her bowl of food. Mimi had eaten plenty enough already and I wanted to save the rest for another day, or perhaps another cat altogether.

“Her reaction was completely unacceptable. The cut wasn’t deep but it did bleed.

“I decided Mimi had to die, but she fled pretty quickly after I went to retrieve my revolver.”

Netanyahu was criticised by animal rights groups for targeting poor innocent kittens who had nothing to do with the scratching incident.

But the Israeli PM insisted: “I had to defend myself and the kittens were just in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

“Let this be a warning to kittens everywhere. If your mother scratches me, I will kill you, your siblings and any other cats within the immediate area.

“I have the right not to be scratched, but should I be scratched, I also have the right to kill as many blameless creatures as I deem necessary.”

Mimi has been spotted by neighbours attempting to stalk Netanyahu and exact her revenge, but has been unable to reach him since he nailed the cat flap shut.

Netanyahu added: “I never really liked Mimi in the first place, but she was here when I moved in.

“To be honest I’ve just been waiting for an excuse to get rid of her. “



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