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We don’t need anyone to make decisions and change things

Ken Livingstone eatingThere’s a dark cloud hanging over this city, and it’s threatening to rain on the people of London for four years straight. We must unite against this threat, we must stick together in these tough times and fight that which would strike us down and besmirch us.

And to what form does this threat manifest itself? Why, it’s Kenneth Robert Livingstone, I presume.


That wily old bastard, I tell you, he’s a bastard alright. I actually met him once. Well, I saw him anyway. I was being chauffeured through Piccadily Circus on my way to Harrods to discuss the weather with Mohammed Al Fayed. Ken pulled up alongside my limousine, driving a bendy bus. He looked at me, made an obscene gesture, then punched one of his passengers in the face.


Then there was the time he came to Kensington High Street. I was in my flat predicting the weather, so I was too busy to go outside, but I could hear Ken shouting at this poor newspaper vendor. “You little prick,” I heard the vendor say to Ken, “stop shouting at me”. He must have been selling the Evening Standard.


The problem with Ken is, he says one thing and then does another. When he was mayor, he used to say that he’d ban rich people. Then he quickly realised that we pay for everything. So what did he do? He introduced the Congestion Charge so none of the poor people could afford to drive around in the rich areas and see that we were still here.


That didn’t work out so well though, did it Ken? Because Londoners cottoned on to the fact that actually, you’re pretty rich yourself, and you were still here. So we banned you ourselves, using democracy. And don’t think we’re not prepared to use democracy again.


Don’t kid yourself, Ken, you’ll never be in charge. This city is run by the rich people, for the rich people, and that’s the way we want it to stay. We don’t need anyone to make decisions and change things, we like London just the way it is. All we need is someone to sit in City Hall, bluster a bit when the government threatens to increase corporation tax, and then carry on removing the right to protest.


Oh, and before I forget, Livingstone is old, bald, smells like mouldy cheese and has sex with newts.


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