African Sorrow for Global Fiscal Woes
Everyone in Somalia, Ethiopia, Kenya and South Sudan has expressed sympathy for their fiscally-challenged friends in the United States of America and the European Union.
Speaking all at once in perfect synchronisation so that the entire globe could hear and be comforted by their warm condolences, ten million starving Africans conveyed remorse that they could not do more to avert the economic catastrophes befalling those less fortunate.
“Of course, we are all infinitely poorer than they are, but it doesn’t really matter because we’re used to it,” the malnourished crowd universally spoke in a sombre, tragicomic tone.
“While our own mortality is at threat from entirely avoidable circumstances all of our own making, the debt and currency crises afflicting those in richer countries that control us have been brought about only by astonishing misfortune and bad luck.
“We mourn the loss of shareholders’ dividends, low taxes and high interest rates. It must be terrible to face a reduction in your income by as much as 0.5, or even one percentage, just to ensure that your government remains solvent.
“We will do whatever we can to help, just as soon as we’re finished crawling to the nearest refugee camp, only to find they have run out of clean water.”
The US is four days away from defaulting on its debt, of £8,700billion, Greece was bailed out by the eurozone again last week to the tune of £96bn, and Italy and Spain are considering changing their currency to pasta and pitta bread respectively.
In Great Britain, chancellor George Osborne’s last remaining brain cell has withdrawn all its savings.
The starving East Africans are having a whip round. “We feel so terrible about what’s happening,” they said. “We’ve got some dried earth if it helps?
“God only knows how awful it must be to live in Greece right now. They must be struggling to run their cars. How horrific.
“Our prayers go out to all those Western children who will grow up without any hope of a massive inheritance.”
In more positive economic news, Exxon Mobil made a profit of £6.6bn in March, April and May this year – an amount 220 times bigger than that raised by the Disasters Emergency Committee appeal for East Africa so far.
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