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Corbyn pledges to accept one million refugees in his beard

Hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing war, murder, rape and economic collapse are set to make new homes deep within Jeremy Corbyn’s beard.

The newly-elected Labour Party leader said there was “plenty of room” in and around the hair follicles of his silver facial fuzz for the refugees to “start a new life” free from violence and fear.

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Prince Charles Had Casting Vote In General Election

The heir to the British crown cast the deciding vote in the general election, it has been revealed by us.

Prince Charles was called into action after the Conservative and Labour parties won exactly the same number of MPs and votes – just as the polls had predicted.

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I won’t stand by and watch the country I love blown apart by a Force Five Fuckwit

Here we are then. The last week of Great Britain. After Thursday, thanks to an endorsement by a skinny, drug-addicted, tortoise-stealing comedian, this country will basically cease to exist.

Yeah you heard me. This is it. The end. Once Labour get in, Ed Millicunt has already basically admitted that he is going to turn The Treasury into an ATM machine for the idle and the weak. The money will all be gone by June, and then the banks will be forced to pay back the money they owe the government. Jesus. Can you imagine?

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New Evidence Shows Ed Miliband Still Labour Party Leader

Scientists from Cambridge University have published a paper claiming that Ed Miliband is still the leader of the Labour Party.

The astonishing discovery, if true, will be a huge boost to Labour’s election rivals.

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Nick Clegg: “I’m sorry”

Hello, my name is Nick Clegg. This is a newspaper column that I have been allowed to write, and, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to use it to grovel.

Now, as you may know, I’m the Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I was hired to do this job after my party finished third in a general election four years ago.

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UKIP ‘Joke Started By Boris Johnson’

Moments after David Cameron said he would start taking UKIP seriously, Boris Johnson admitted the party was an elaborate practical joke he started in 1993.

The Mayor of London explained in an email to the prime minister, BCC’d to The Taxman, that the UK Independence Party had actually begun life as an editorial prank he had played while writing features for the Daily Telegraph.

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George Osborne Refuses To Flush His Shit

George Osborne has said the hosepipe ban in southern and eastern England must remain in place – despite the fact it’s fucking pissing it down.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer vowed to ignore what was happening outside and has even added to our peril by banning the double-flush.

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