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Three reasons why immigration must be curbed

Immigration is the reason why your life is shit, and if we don’t do something to curb it soon the very fabric of our beloved British society will collapse in on itself, creating a void into which all of us will be sucked and crushed to death.

In this column I want to set out the three reasons why I know this to be the case. Amid all the clamour and jostling among politicians to be seen to be getting a grip on immigration – which even they must now recognise is Britain’s biggest problem (yes, even bigger than paedophilia) – there are still billions of immigrants sneaking into this country every year.

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Typhoon Haiyan Victims Thank Politicians For Agreeing To Agree Next Year To Cut Carbon In Seven Years’ Time

Millions of homeless and starving Filipinos whose homes and livelihoods were wiped out by a Category 5, 235mph super-typhoon have thanked world governments and their negotiating teams for finally agreeing to make an agreement next year to start solving man-made climate change in 2020.

The manifestly grateful victims of Typhoon Haiyan – the strongest recorded storm to make landfall – said their endless search for food, water and shelter would “soon be over” because the 19th-annual United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) in Warsaw had made a partial deal to possibly do something to save the world at a distant future date.

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Emergency Services To Be Replaced By Shops And Offices

Police stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.

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Healthy Planet “Financially Non-Viable”

Saving the planet would cause a new financial crisis, The Taxman can exclusively reveal.

The discovery was made by the personal assistants of world leaders at the Rio+20 Earth Summit, who wrote a secret document that we found buried under a whale carcass on Copacabana beach.

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iPaedo Will Change The Way We Abuse Children, Claims Apple

Tech giant Apple has said its brand-spanking new device, the iPaedo, will revolutionise its ability to abuse children.

At the big opening of the firm’s latest must-have gadget, chief executive Tim Cook described the portable sex toy as a master “stroke” that would enable Apple to dominate the market in human rights violation for years to come.

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Laziness Levels Getting Lazier

Laziness levels in Britain have risen to a 16-year high.

More than 2.6 million people of working age are now sitting on their fat arses at home watching Deal Or No Deal while eating ice cream, the Office for National Statistics has confirmed.

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