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How the hell do you poison a vegan?

What a year’s it’s been. First I lost the coy carp, then I got some new coy carp, then I got married, then I went to Australia, then I went to Mexico and got really, really sick, then I went to Barbados, then I went to Hawaii for a crucial World Meteorologist Rain Avoidance Conference, now I’m back in Blighty and apparently the new wife wants a new divorce!

Well, I said, so long as I get to keep the coy carp I don’t give a damn.

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I’m freezing my fucking balls off

Have a good Christmas everyone? Bet you’re glad you didn’t spend it chained to a mad Chinaman, locked inside a cell with nothing to eat but dog food. And I don’t mean food intended for dogs. Fortunately, my captives were belatedly hit with the festive spirit yesterday and decided to put me back on a plane to England, provided I never write another negative thing about China again and rebuke my previous report.

I have to say, there’s nothing better for an asthmatic than to breathe in some clean, fresh smog of a morning. And you’ve got to taste their dog food, it’s something else.

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Christmas Cancelled

Christmas this year has been cancelled, as millions of Britons are now unable to consume at the level required.

The recession means that the three core values of Christmas – shopping, spending and eating – are now financially untenable for the average hard-working family, leading to the downfall of capitalism’s most cherished payday.

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Credit Crunch Not As Good As Other Breakfast Cereals

Disasters of epic proportions are currently hitting the Western World regions of Wall Street and The City, with thousands of capitalist profiteers no longer wearing their suits.

In what is collectively being dubbed ‘the credit crunch’, where once there were puppet-masters smiling and dancing free atop great mountains of pretty green paper; there now lie cold, dark, empty vaults.

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Go green, buy this!

Want to continue living an excessive lifestyle of gluttony and waste, but worried about the impact you’re having on the environment? Well worry no more, because we have all the green solutions you need.

That’s right – everything you want, everything you need, everything you didn’t realise you wanted or needed, all here, and all green.

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