Sepp Blatter Wins Fifth Consecutive World Cup of Corruption
In a tense grand final in Zurich, the centre of global corruption, Blatter successfully retained his title with a dominant display of free-flowing, attacking bribes.
Opponent Prince Ali was left chasing shadowy figures as Blatter’s bribes were rapidly passed between a well-drilled formation of offshore tax havens.
Ali had hoped to hit Blatter on the counter, with rumours before the game that the veteran champ might be suffering from a succession of nasty investigations picked up in previous rounds of police questioning.
But towards the end of a stunning performance that will have corruption historians waxing lyrical for decades to come, Blatter unleashed a ferocious long-range ransom before clinching the win with a trademark backhander from the edge of the courtroom.
Ali attempted to protest with the referee after the final whistle, claiming Blatter had dived to win a free kickback, before realising there was no referee.
Witnesses to the World Cup of Corruption Final said they didn’t see anything because they spent the whole game in the queue for a steak pie.
In his victory speech, Blatter said his achievements were made possible thanks to the splendid work done behind the scenes by FIFA’s dedicated and skilled accountants.
But he added: “I wish to dedicate this victory to me, because I am the one who has won.
“There are no other winners here, only me.”