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‘Where There Is Discord, May We Bring Weaponry’

Osborne and his red cartridge case

Helping other countries blow themselves up will boost Britain’s economy, the government reckons.

Selling weapons to despotic regimes gives them more effective methods of mass slaughter and starting wars and creates jobs in the UK.

The chancellor said that if only we could somehow build bigger and more powerful weapons, and flog them to the most unstable governments on the planet, Britain might avoid a triple-dip recession and regain its AAA credit rating.

“There is surely no better way to get our economy back on track than to assist other nations in murdering their own workforce, and that of their neighbours,” George Osborne, the man in charge of Britain’s finances, explained calmly this morning.

“If every other country on the planet had a big enough arsenal of weaponry, there would be nothing to stop them all just killing each other. That would then leave Britain as the world’s most prosperous nation.

“It’s just common sense really.”

Prime Minister David Cameron said a global massacre had been the coalition’s plan all along.

“I’m not advocating that we start a world war or anything crazy like that,” he told the House of Commons this morning.

“But there is surely no harm in us manufacturing an arms stockpile which is voluminous enough to wipe out most of the rest of the world.

“We’ll just sell the weapons on and then put our feet up as the planet’s various ethnic, sectarian and territorial tensions escalate into bloody mass slaughter, aided by the guns, ammo, bombs and missiles built right here in the UK.

“To borrow a phrase from a famous late arms dealer; where there is discord, may we bring weaponry.”

Spending £39billion on the military each year also helps reduce NHS waiting times.

“You’ve got to look at the bigger aircraft carrier,” added Osborne.

“The more people who die, the less immigration there’ll be and the fewer people we’ll need to give benefits to.

“In this week where we remember a great prime minister renowned for her ability to escalate any conflict that could benefit Britain financially, we have to ask ourselves the question.

“How are we ever going to tackle the deficit if we don’t spend more money on things that kill people?”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said he would be joining Cameron on his arms sales tours of the world’s most volatile regions, but didn’t want to be in any of the photographs.

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