The government has lost its top hygiene rating because of the huge mess dumped outside 10 Downing Street.

Britain is now rated CRAAAP and will only regain its cleanliness certificate if it finally clears up the stinking heap in Westminster, which grows bigger and bigger by the day.

Anarchists have drawn up plans for when they expect to gain control of Britain in four years’ time.

A group representing the political philosophy welcomed the recent fall in economic activity and the announcement of a referendum on Britain’s membership of the European Union (EU), claiming they would be ready to take control immediately afterwards.

A payment of £10million delivered by a tax-dodging coffee company has failed to wake the British government up from its 55-year coma, sources indicate.

Officials from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) said although they were doing all they could to flex their nostrils, the Starbucks cash received last week had not helped them smell anything close to a single waft of the stench that has emanated from offshore tax havens since the late 1950s.

Chancellor George Osborne had said it was “Britain’s shame” that Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives.

The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for two-and-a-half years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.

Never has so much discussion arisen from the asking of a question to which the answer is so short and so simple and so blindingly obvious.

How do we increase aviation capacity in the UK?

George Osborne has said the hosepipe ban in southern and eastern England must remain in place – despite the fact it’s fucking pissing it down.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer vowed to ignore what was happening outside and has even added to our peril by banning the double-flush.

The coalition government has announced plans to unblock Britain’s sinuses by leasing oxygen molecules to the private sector.