Benefits will be entirely replaced by a new handicap system based on how poor you are.

The welfare state is an old-fashioned, cumbersome institution that needs to be rebuilt from scratch as something completely different, the government reckons.

The government has lost its top hygiene rating because of the huge mess dumped outside 10 Downing Street.

Britain is now rated CRAAAP and will only regain its cleanliness certificate if it finally clears up the stinking heap in Westminster, which grows bigger and bigger by the day.

Anarchists have drawn up plans for when they expect to gain control of Britain in four years’ time.

A group representing the political philosophy welcomed the recent fall in economic activity and the announcement of a referendum on Britain’s membership of the European Union (EU), claiming they would be ready to take control immediately afterwards.

Police stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.

Twenty-twelve. So glorious. So pure. This was the year Britain came back fighting. From what, we’re not so sure.

We celebrated our monarch’s diamond jubilee, and cut those benefits so dear, to stop the scroungers getting something out of life for free.

I remember the last time I reviewed a Christina Aguilera album. The year was 2006, and life was great.

No-one cared about the deficit, no-one was complaining about bankers being greedy and no-one thought Christina Aguilera was fat.

Team GB is just one Olympic gold medal short of a total which would entirely recapitalise Europe’s debt-ridden banks and save the single currency from oblivion.

Victory this afternoon for Nicola Adams in the first Olympic women’s boxing final in history, plus another gold for a horse, means that Great Britain’s elephantine medal haul is now big enough to erase the contagion of fear among continental traders and return the Eurozone to its pre-crisis state of blissful ignorance.