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Businessmen ‘Will Fly Around On Oats’

A new Orbital Astronomical Train (Oat) will be built to whizz businessmen around the Earth at 2,500mph, in a bid to make them all go away.

Eventually, Oat will extend far enough to dump office-type people on the Moon, but for the first century of its operation passengers will have to make do with the mediocrity of a perpetual geosynchronous orbit.

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Volcano To House Goldman Sachs Office

Global banking conglomerate Goldman Sachs has relocated its headquarters to a new office built within a tectonic rupture of the Earth’s surface.

The extinct volcano, located somewhere on the Italian peninsula, now houses the interstellar investment bank’s brand new spacecraft-swallowing rocket shuttle, launchpad and nuclear development facility.

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Government Vision for Greenless Britain

Great Britain will be tarmacked and covered by giant advertising hoardings that can be seen by air passengers from 30,000 feet in new plans announced by the government today.

Every last inch of green space on these islands will be sold off in a bid by the Department for Communities and Local Government to “get Britain’s economy growing again”.

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Who’s cheating whom?

For every poor man who steals a penny, a rich man robs a pound and sells it back to us for a tenner.

The mass media aims a gun at the poor man and gives the rich man a free holiday.

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African Sorrow for Global Fiscal Woes

Everyone in Somalia, Ethiopia, Kenya and South Sudan has expressed sympathy for their fiscally-challenged friends in the United States of America and the European Union.

Speaking all at once in perfect synchronisation so that the entire globe could hear and be comforted by their warm condolences, ten million starving Africans conveyed remorse that they could not do more to avert the economic catastrophes befalling those less fortunate.

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Nothing At All Happening In the World Right Now, Confirms British Media

Absolutely nothing, nada, zilch is occurring in any of the world’s 195 countries, according to British media outlets.

No-one is dying of disease and/or starvation, no-one’s army is invading and/or occupying anyone’s country and no-one’s economy is about to collapse. Whatsoever.

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