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The idiot’s guide to public spending cuts

If you’re going to cut public spending to help pay off the national debt, instead of taxing those to blame for causing said debt, at least do it properly.

The Conservative Party’s idiotic plans to cut £23billion over the course of the next parliament, or £5.75billion on average each year, will make the poor poorer and the even poorer shit-poor. They’ll be freezing public sector pay, slashing benefits and privatising anything that isn’t nailed down to Whitehall.

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War On Peace

Nato forces in Afghanistan say their next military invasion – after they have finished crushing the Taliban sometime in 2073 – will involve storming the headquarters of the Oxford English Dictionary and amalgamating the words ‘war’ and ‘peace’ into one single, bloody entry.

The operation will involve killing everyone in sight including passers-by who happen to get in the way, while urinating on any survivors.

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In the interest of keeping us poor

When the Bank of England lowered its base interest rates to 0.5 percent earlier this month, it was another small step toward justice.

This cut should be welcomed and celebrated – whatever the real motive behind it. Because, more than any other capitalist mechanism, interest rates exist to widen the divide between rich and poor.

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Queen Insecure About Living In Palace

The Queen admitted last week that the economic downturn leaves her waking up in a hot sweat at 4am every morning, while often having nightmares that the crown jewels have been lost to a giant Ponzi scheme.

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Christmas Cancelled

Christmas this year has been cancelled, as millions of Britons are now unable to consume at the level required.

The recession means that the three core values of Christmas – shopping, spending and eating – are now financially untenable for the average hard-working family, leading to the downfall of capitalism’s most cherished payday.

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Government Strike Multi-Quadrillion Pound Deal With Devil

The British government has moved to ease credit-flow problems in Hell by handing Satan £666,000,000,000,000 (666 trillion) in cash, with a further £6,000,000,000,000,000 (six quadrillion) available by postal order.

The much-anticipated pact with the Devil is an attempt to ease the unprecedented liquidity crisis in Hell’s molten melting-pots.

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